The Husband Who Expects Wife to Carry Double Burdens. --In most families
there are children of various ages, some of whom need not only the attention and
wise discipline of the mother but also the sterner, yet affectionate, influence
of the father. Few fathers consider this matter in its due importance. They fall
into neglect of their own duty and thus heap grievous burdens upon the mother,
at the same time feeling at liberty to criticise and condemn her actions
according to their judgement. Under this heavy sense of responsibility and
censure, the poor wife and mother often feels guilty and remorseful for that
which she has done innocently or ignorantly, and frequently when she has done
the very best thing possible under the circumstances. Yet when her wearisome
efforts should be appreciated and approved and her heart made glad, she is
obliged to walk under a cloud of sorrow and condemnation because her husband,
while ignoring his own duty, expects her to fulfill both her own and his to his
satisfaction, regardless of preventing circumstances.
Many husbands do not sufficiently understand and appreciate the cares and
perplexities which their wives endure, generally confined all day to an
unceasing round of household duties. They frequently come to their homes with
clouded brows, bringing no sunshine to the family circle. If the meals are not
on time, the tired wife, who is frequently housekeeper, nurse, cook, and
housemaid, all in one, is greeted with faultfinding. The exacting husband may condescend to take the worrying child from the weary arms of its
mother that her arrangements for the family meal may be hastened; but if the
child is restless and frets in the arms of its father, he will seldom feel it
his duty to act the nurse and seek to quiet and soothe it. He does not pause to
consider how many hours the mother has endured the little one's fretfulness, but
calls out impatiently, "Here, Mother, take your child." Is it not his
child as well as hers? Is he not under a natural obligation to patiently bear
his part of the burden of rearing his children?
A Dictatorial and Dominating Husband; Words of Counsel. --Your life would be
much happier if you did not feel that absolute authority is vested in you
because you are a husband and father. Your practice shows that you misinterpret
your position--house-band. You are nervous and dictatorial and often manifest
great lack of judgement, so that however you may regard your course at such
times, it cannot be made to appear consistent to your wife and children. When
once you have taken a position, you are seldom willing to withdraw from it. You
are determined to carry out your plans, when many times you are not pursuing the
right course and should see it. What you need is more, far more, of love, of
forbearance, and less of a determination to have your way both in word and in
deed. In the course you are now pursuing, instead of being a house-band, you
will be as a vise to compress and distress others. . . .
In trying to force others to carry out your ideas in every particular, you
often do greater harm than if you were to yield these points. This is true even
when your ideas are right in themselves, but in many things they are not
correct; they are overstrained as the result of the peculiarities of your organisation; therefore you drive the wrong thing in a
strong, unreasonable manner.
You have peculiar views in regard to managing your family. You exercise an
independent, arbitrary power which permits no liberty of will around you. You
think yourself sufficient to be head in your family and feel that your head is
sufficient to move every member, as a machine is moved in the hands of the
workmen. You dictate and assume authority. This displeases Heaven and grieves
the pitying angels. You have conducted yourself in your family as though you
alone were capable of self-government. It has offended you that your wife should
venture to oppose your opinion or question your decisions.
Fretful and Querulous Husbands. --Husbands, give your wives a chance for
their spiritual life. . . . By many the disposition to fret is encouraged until
they become like grown-up children. They do not leave this portion of their
child life behind them. They cherish these feelings until they cramp and dwarf
the whole life by their querulous complaints. And not only their own lives but
the lives of others also. They carry with them the spirit of Ishmael, whose hand
was against everybody, and everybody's hand against him.
The Selfish and Morose Husband. --Brother B is not of a temperament to bring
sunshine into his family. Here is a good place for him to begin to work. He is
more like a cloud than a beam of light. He is too selfish to speak words of
approval to the members of his family, especially to the one of all others who
should have his love and tender respect. He is morose, overbearing, dictatorial;
his words are frequently cutting, and leave a wound that he does not try to heal by softening spirit, acknowledging his faults,
and confessing his wrongdoings. . . .
Brother B should soften; he should cultivate refinement and courtesy. He
should be very tender and gentle toward his wife, who is his equal in every
respect; he should not utter a word that would cast a shadow upon her heart. He
should begin the work of reformation at home; he should cultivate affection and
overcome the coarse, harsh, unfeeling, and ungenerous traits of his disposition.
The husband and father who is morose, selfish, and overbearing is not only
unhappy himself, but he casts gloom upon all the inmates of his home. He will
reap the result in seeing his wife dispirited and sickly and his children marred
with his own unlovely temper.
An Egotistical and Intolerant Husband. --You expect too much of your wife and
children. You censure too much. If you would encourage a cheerful, happy temper
yourself and speak kindly and tenderly to them, you would bring sunlight into
your dwelling instead of clouds, sorrow, and unhappiness. You think too much of
your opinion; you have taken extreme positions, and have not been willing that
your wife's judgement should have the weight it should in your family. You have
not encouraged respect for your wife yourself nor educated your children to
respect her judgement. You have not made her your equal, but have rather taken
the reins of government and control into your own hands and held them with a
firm grasp. You have not an affectionate, sympathetic disposition. These traits
of character you need to cultivate if you want to be an overcomer and if you
want the blessing of God in your family.
To One Who Disregards Christian Courtesy. --You have looked upon it as a
weakness to be kind, tender, and sympathetic and have thought it beneath your
dignity to speak tenderly, gently, and lovingly to your wife. Here you mistake
in what true manliness and dignity consist. The disposition to leave deeds of
kindness undone is a manifest weakness and defect in your character. That which
you would look upon as weakness God regards as true Christian courtesy that
should be exercised by every Christian; for this was the spirit which Christ
manifested.
Husbands Should Merit Love and Affection. --If the husband is tyrannical,
exacting, critical of the actions of his wife, he cannot hold her respect and
affection, and the marriage relation will become odious to her. She will not
love her husband, because he does not try to make himself lovable. Husbands
should be careful, attentive, constant, faithful, and compassionate. They should
manifest love and sympathy. . . . When the husband has the nobility of
character, purity of heart, elevation of mind, that every true Christian must
possess, it will be made manifest in the marriage relation. . . . He will seek
to keep his wife in health and courage. He will strive to speak words of
comfort, to create an atmosphere of peace in the home circle.